This is what a “Girl’s Night” used to be like, before Z……..

First, there’s the preparation. Taring apart your entire closet looking for the perfect outfit, and then going shopping when you realize everything you have SUCKS!

Then there’s the hours spent in front of the mirror, styling your hair and applying mass amounts of makeup that will most likely turn you into a rabid raccoon by the end of the night.

When you finally get OUT, there’s dinner and drinks, dancing, maybe a little craziness depending on how many drinks you’ve had, then more dancing, more drinks, and more craziness.

By the end of the night you’re pretty well LIT. You thank God that at least one of your friends was mature enough to stay sober and drive you home.

The next day you feel like SHIT. You nurse your hangover with coffee and Advil. You tell yourself that next time, you won’t have that last drink, because you’re pretty sure it was that last drink that GOTCHA, not the 5 or 6 drinks that came before it.

This is what a “Girl’s Night” is NOW…….

First, there’s the preparation. You pick out the most comfortable outfit you can find. Pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and some nice fuzzy slippers.

You call the closest Chinese restaurant and order enough takeout to feed an army.

Pitch PerfectYou send your husband down to the Red Box with very specific instructions ……….Pitch Perfect, and Breaking Dawn PART 2……..NOT Part 1!

Oh, and don’t forget the beer….and the munchies…..

I can honestly say, Girl’s Night, is like the ultimate holiday for me. Not ONLY do I get to spend it with my two closest girlfriends, my Mom and my Sister, but I also have NO responsibilities.

No kid screaming “Momma “, NO husband whining about the movie, and pointing out how ridiculously predictable it is……… Ya, ya, girl meets boy, girl hates boy, then girl loves boy, then girl thinks boy hates girl, then girl gets boy, then girl finds out boy is a vampire, then girl and vampire boy live happily ever after! Seriously, what’s not to like?

Girls Night, is NOT something that happens very often. In fact, we’re lucky to get together once every few months, if that. So when we do FINALLY get to have a Girl’s night, NOTHING, and I repeat, NOTHING will stand in my way……..

Not the miserable head cold that I woke up with yesterday morning, not the cashier girl at the Chinese restaurant that obviously couldn’t run a credit card machine to save her life, and certainly not the JERK in the Hummer that ALMOST ran me over when I had to run BACK out to my car to find my check book.

Seriously, NOTHING……

So, aside from the fact that I could BARELY breathe through my nose, and the fact that I doused myself with beer the minute I sat down to enjoy my Chicken Lo’ Mein, or the fact the my sister literally chased me around her house ALL night long with a can of Lysol, it went pretty well.

Seriously, she was like a Ninja…….. with Lysol!

Everything I touched….LYSOL!

When I sneezed, it was like MATRIX style kung fu! NO JOKE!

She LYSOLED my phlegm in MID-AIR!  BEFORE it even touched the GROUND!

That girlz got skillz…….and she’s scary…..

“PUT DOWN THE CHEETOS! Mom, could you PLEASE get her a bowl, BEFORE she infects the entire bag!”

No but seriously, I had a BLAST! I can’t WAIT for the next “Girls Night”!

And to be perfectly honest, I’d take chick flicks with my two best buds, and a bag of infected Cheetos, over rabid raccoon eyes and a nasty hangover ANY DAY!

Oh, and just so you know, Pitch Perfect was AWESOME!

Posted in TMI (Too Much Information) | Leave a comment

You remember that movie “UP”? The Pixar animated movie with the old guy and the fat kid? They fly away in the old guy’s house, with the balloons? Do you remember Doug? He’s the talking dog that they meet when they finally land.

Here’s a clip for those of you that can’t remember……

SQUIRREL!!

Okay, so now that we’re all on the same page, I can continue.

My daughter had a Doug day yesterday. It was exhausting, and entertaining all at the same time.

Let me set the scene….

I’m sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for Z to come hither.

Me: “Hey Z, you want to go outside?”

Z: “YES!”

Me: “Okay, go get your shoes.”

Z: “OKAY!”

Off she goes, skipping towards the back door to fetch her shoes…….

(One minute later)

Z: “Looook Momma!”

She rounds the corner of the couch with the dog toy…..

Z: “Kassy’s toy!”

Me: “That’s nice Z, but I thought you wanted to go outside.”

Z: “OH YA!”

Me: “Go get your shoes then.”

Off she goes, skipping towards the back door, once again……..

(Two, maybe three minutes later)

Z: “Momma! Where are yooooou?”

Me: “I’m on the couch Z, waiting for you to get your shoes.”

Z: “OH! SHOES!”

Off she goes again…….

Three minutes later she comes back with a bowl of fish crackers…….

Z: “Mmmmm yummy.”

Me: “I thought you wanted to go outside Z?”

Z: “OH! Outside! Ready to go outside, pleassee!”

Me: “You HAVE to get your shoes first, remember?”

Z: “OH YES!”

Off she goes again.  This time I watch her, and I can actually see the train derail. This has GOT to be what she’s thinking……..

“Shoes, shoes, shoes, gotta get my shoes to go outside, shoes, shoes, shoes, I really love outside, outside is the BEST, gotta get my shoes to GO outside………. TOY! OMG it’s a TOY! I haven’t seen that TOY in like FOREVER!! What does it do again, oh that’s right, it BOUNCES! YAAAA the TOY bounces!!! I have to show Momma my TOY!!!”

Z: “Momma, loook!”

Me: “Wow Z, is that your ball?”

Z: “YES! Watch Momma!”

Me: “That’s cool Z, it bounces!”

Doug

Posted in Family Life | 4 Comments

Hey Mom,

Remember when you told me, “Sweetheart, when you have your own someday, you’ll understand”? Well I just wanted you to know, I think I get it now…..

My ZThere’s this pain deep inside my chest, and no matter what I do, it’s always there. Every time I look at Z, I feel like my heart is going to explode. Sometimes it’s a battle, just trying to catch my breath.

It’s not something you read about, it’s not even something you talk about, it just is. I remember after she was born, I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid that when I woke up, it would all be dream, and she wouldn’t be real. I still feel that way sometimes. Is that how you felt?

There were so many times I thought you hugged us maybe a little too long, or kissed us just a few too many times. I didn’t get it then. You must have felt it too, that squeeze in your heart, the fear that makes it impossible to let go.

It’s like a roller-coaster. Feeling so much love all at once, and the moment you realize your joy, the fear sets in……You can’t have one without the other, so it seems.

My ZI remember the way you used to look at us, as we walked out the door, in fact you still do. It’s like letting your heart leave your body, and praying that it comes back in one piece. It’s gut wrenching….but it’s out of your control.

Nothing in life can prepare you for Motherhood. Yes…. it is full of joy, love, pride, and happiness, but it’s also full of pain, despair, and fear. It takes courage to be a Mother, to love with all your heart, even when there’s fear lurking in the shadows.

So I’m sorry if I looked at you like you were nuts, or patted your arm like you were a crazy person. I didn’t get it then, but I do now.

You and I…… we’re on the same page now Mom.

Posted in Being a Mommy | Leave a comment

RockstarMy husband is a ROCK STAR….not like Bon Jovi or anything, in fact, he can’t really sing, or play the guitar…..let’s just say he’s not musical what-so-ever!

So why call him a ROCK STAR? Because, it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen him live, or in action, every time is like the first time, and every single time he blows me away.

For those of you that don’t know my husband, let me give you a quick description.

He’s a Jack of all trades. He can do ANYTHING, fix ANYTHING, drive ANYTHING, ride ANYTHING, work ANYTHING, build ANYTHING….. get the point?

laughing_man_143976He’s also intense, kind of crazy, unpredictable, and almost too outgoing. He has a tendency to scare people off, come on too strong, and say the wrong things. He has NO FILTER! He tells it like it is, he loves to make people laugh, but he also loves to terrify them.

He’s a jokester, the class clown, the guy that everybody invites to a party because he’s so damn entertaining.

He’s comfortable with who he is, proud of it even. He’ll go out of his way to make you feel comfortable too, even when you’re totally NOT. He’s just like that!

Three years ago when our daughter was born we had a plan. After my leave was up I’d go back to work, and she’d go to daycare. When the time came I PANICKED!  I couldn’t do it, didn’t want to do it.

So I quit my job and started delivering newspapers 7 days a week. It was a NIGHTMARE! I did it for about three months, and that’s when my husband said, “ENOUGH”.

Z was an extremely fussy baby, and she kept me up most nights. That, combined with my funky work schedule, turned me into a sleep deprived Zombie. I could barely function.

So, my husband took on more work. There were times when he was working three, sometimes four jobs just to make ends meet. He DID what needed to be DONE! That’s just WHO he is.

Where am I going with all this? Well, the other day he said to me, “I should’ve been a rally car driver”…… My first thought was, ya, well I should’ve been Britney Spears.

But the truth is, he could’ve been a rally car driver, he’s that good! He could’ve been a lot of things, cause he’s remarkably talented, but instead, he’s MR. F from Montana. He works a full time job, and short of selling himself on the street corner, which I think he might be open to, he’ll do just about anything for extra money…..

Including fixing other peoples junk………in our shed……….cause we don’t actually own a garage. I’ve literally seen this man lying down under a truck, in the driveway, cause it’s too damn big to fit in our tiny ass shed, in the middle of DECEMBER, covered in snow, wrench in hand, working is ASS off to make a couple extra bucks! He’s determined……So much so that it actually brings tears to my eyes.

He’s not just THAT guy, the guy that never became a rally car driver cause he couldn’t afford it, or cause he couldn’t get sponsors, or didn’t know the right people. He’s so much more than that.

He’s a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and an uncle. He’s the jackass next door that woke you up at 6 in the morning with his air compressor. He’s the guy at the convenience store that actually held the door for you instead of slamming it in your face. He’s the guy that stopped on the side of the road, in a blizzard, just to see if you were okay. He’s the guy at the Park that handed you back your wallet when you didn’t even realize it was missing. He’s also that guy that flipped you off this morning when you cut him off!

He’s not perfect, but he’s pretty damn close in my book!

Where did all this all come from? I’ll tell you……

The other morning after my husband left for work, Z and I decided to venture outside for a little fresh air. This is what we found…….

Sidewalk

Need I say more?

I’m a lucky woman. I have an amazing husband who just happens to be an amazing father. What more could I ask for?

P.S. Just so you know, I never really wanted to be Britney Spears……in case you were wondering……..

Posted in Family Life | 2 Comments

My husband once said, “I never know what I’m going to get when I come home. Z is like a little terrorist, minus the towel, she runs around the house all day long blowing shit up. Sometimes the wife can’t keep up.”

At the time, I didn’t give it much thought. I mean, ya it’s true, she blows shit up, and I have a hard time maintaining control, but I wouldn’t necessarily call her a terrorist.

However, now that I think of it, I completely agree.

I’m not talking about the disaster that is my house on a daily basis, I’m talking about BEDTIME.

Bedtime at my house is like negotiating with a terrorist.

You know that saying, pick your battles, well I do, and bedtime is one of those battles that I choose to ignore, for the most part anyways.

Let me give you an example. This is how bedtime went tonight…….

Me: “Bedtime Z, go give Daddy a hug and kiss.”

She then proceeds to give Daddy a hug, a kiss, another hug, and one more just for good measure.

Me: “Okay let’s go.”

Z: “Oh, TV off.”

Me: “Okay, turn the TV off, now get to bed.”

Z: “Kassy hug!”

She then searches the entire house for Kassy, completely ignoring Mya, who happens to be laying right there on the floor in front of her. I’m not stupid, I know that as soon as she steps foot into her room she’ll somehow remember that she forgot to give Mya a hug……………and she does.

We finally get to her room……

Me: “Come on, let’s get into bed.”

I try to lift her up into her bed….

Z: “I DO IT, I DO IT.”

In other words, she wants to take her sweet time climbing ever so slowly, into her bed. I bite my tongue…….

She finally gets her butt into bed, that’s when she points to her evaporator.

Z: “More water Momma!”

She’s right….I forgot to fill DAMN tank!

Me: “Okay, Momma will get it Z, lay down. I will be right back.”

I rush into the kitchen, fill the tank, and rush back. I immediately grab a book and start reading. Once finished I try to tuck her in.

Z: “Daddy fluff pillow!”

Me: “I will fluff your pillow Z.”

Z: “NO! Daddy do it!”

Of course! What was I thinking…..

So after Daddy fluffs the damn the pillow, receives another round of hugs and kisses, and leaves, I once again try to tuck her in.

Z: “Pee-pee Momma!”

SERIOUSLY!

So I pick her up, get to the bathroom, she does her thing, and we head back to the room. But before we step over the threshold, she says, “Daddy talk.”

Me: “What, you want to talk to Daddy?”

Z: “YES!”

I’m losing my patience…. I can physically see it leaving my body…..yep, it’s gone……

Me: “NO! Get to bed NOW Z!”

Z: “DADDY TALK!!!”

Me: “NO!!”

We finally get back to her bed. I tuck her in, give her a kiss and a hug, and turn to leave the room…..

Z: “Bear hug Momma.”

Okay, so I give her another hug, this time with a growl, and turn to leave the room…..

Z: “Squeeze Momma.”

Okay, one more hug with a squeeze coming right up…..

Me: “Night-night Z.”

Z: “Night-night Momma.”

I literally run for the door at this point, trying to get the HELL out before she asks for anything else.

I made it……Sigh……..Finally, she’s in bed.

Z: “Duckey, where are you!”

CRAP! Duckey’s on the kitchen table……I’m pretty sure she planted in there when I wasn’t looking, cause I swear that thing was in her bed!

So I grab duckey, rush back into her room, hand it to her, and beeline it for the door……

Z: “Momma wait!”

Me: “What Z!”

Z: “Night-night Momma……Love you.”

Aaaaahhhhhhhhh…..

Me: “I love you too Baby.”

Yes, she’s a terrorist, but she’s my little terrorist and I love her soooooo much!

Posted in Being a Mommy | 1 Comment

Remember my Nemesis, the CAR DOOR?

Well, yesterday the CAR DOOR sent an assassin……We literally had a death match in the living room!

I SWEAR! There’s even collateral damage to prove it!

I almost lost an EYE!

Okay, so let me explain……

It began like any other day. Two pots of coffee, 30 minutes of alone time, waffles, a happy Smiley, and a grouchy Z.

I’m not sure if it was the two pots of coffee, or the waffle smothered in peanut butter, but I had an abnormal burst of energy and decided to clean my house.

Things were going well. Smiley went down for a nap and Z was enjoying some quality time with Cogsley…. that’s her robot.

I was scrubbing the floor when Z announced that Cogsley was hungry. Her request, or should I say his, was applesauce.

Easy enough, so I grabbed some applesauce from the fridge, poured it in a bowl, and grabbed a spoon.

Before I gave it to her, I explained that robots don’t actually eat applesauce. My fear was that she’d drown poor Cogsley in applesauce. So I told her, applesauce is bad for robots, they can’t eat it, and if she tries to feed it to him, he’ll get sick.

Feeling like I had the situation handled, I grabbed the bowl and headed towards the living room. That’s when it happened…….the applesauce assassin ATTACKED!

Somehow, I dropped the bowl! Of course, my CAT-LIKE reflexes immediately pounced into action, and I tried to catch it before it hit the living room floor, but I wasn’t quick enough.

It landed applesauce side up……and then……..it EXPLODED!!!!

It was like an APPLESAUCE GRENADE! I flew EVERYWHERE, including my right eye.

I staggered back into the kitchen, ears ringing, eye burning, and immediately reached for the spray nozzle at the kitchen sink.

Seriously, applesauce in the eye SUCKS!! Not only does it burn like HELL, but it’s chunky, and there’s no other way to get it out, you have to dig, and dig, and dig!

When I finally regained my vision, I went back to ground zero to check for casualties.

What a MESS! The couch, the chair, and the carpet!

So I clean it up the best I can and step back to admire my work. Z does to, that’s when she spots it……”Oh NO! ” she says.

“What?”

She points to the ceiling, “Oh No!”.

You HAVE GOT to be kidding me…. there’s applesauce on the FREAKING ceiling!

But they’re vaulted, there’s no way in HELL I can reach that!

Applesauce 2

So I call my husband……

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Husband: “Good…..what’s up?”

Me: “Well, I just wanted you to know that I was attacked.”

Husband: “Okay………Please tell me there wasn’t a CAR DOOR involved?”

Me: “Oh, I’m pretty sure the CAR DOOR was involved. That’s probably who sent the applesauce assassin.”

Husband: “Applesauce assassin?”

Me: “Don’t worry, I took care of him…..But there was some collateral damage.”

Husband: “Collateral damage?”

Me: “Ya, you might want to bring home a ladder, cause there’s a little applesauce on the ceiling.”

Husband: “Applesauce on the ceiling?”

Me: “Yep!”

Husband: ……sigh……”Okay.”

There, problem solved……..at least I thought it was.

You want to know what happens when you leave applesauce on the ceiling, ALL DAY LONG……..

Applesauce Damage

It EATS the paint……

Lovely isn’t it? At first I thought I’d immediately paint over it, but now that I think of it, I might keep it. Let it serve as a reminder to any other assassins……that’s what happens when you mess with me…..

Bring it CAR DOOR!!!!!

Posted in TMI (Too Much Information) | 2 Comments

I am exhausted……..The two pots of coffee, and one Blue Pomegranate Xenergy drink, did not last me near as long as I needed it too.

Z is sick, some kind of cold. Snotty nose, sneezing, watery eyes, all around pretty miserable. No fever yet, thank God, but it’s still early.

Anyways, I’d normally stay home, keep her locked inside like a caged animal, but since today was my only FREE day this week, we had to venture out.

Walmart was our first stop of the day, and for the most part it went pretty well, considering all the ways that it could’ve gone terribly wrong.

Now Z, does NOT ride in the cart. I gave up on that a long time ago. She likes to walk next to the cart, or in most cases, run ahead and direct traffic. I figure, as long as she stays close and doesn’t cause too much of a ruckus, it’s a win, win. Not only do I NOT have to listen to her scream, “Up Momma, Up Momma”, but on normal, feel good days, she also runs off all that excess energy. Since today was not one of those days, I knew I had to make it quick.

So, with my list in hand we set out on a mission. Get what we need, and get the HELL out!

Half way through Z decides that she’s tired……That’s a FIRST!

So I asked if she wanted to ride in the cart……No, of course not, she wants me to hold her. Holding a 30 pound kid, while pushing a cart heaped with crap is not my idea of a fun workout, but oh well, we get what we get.

So we make it out of Walmart alive, and tantrum free…..things are going well. I decide to make one quick stop at the Grocery Store. My fridge is in desperate need of something healthy, like fruit. Call me a snob, but I don’t like buying fresh fruit from Walmart….it just seems wrong.

So we get to the Grocery Store. I park, we rush inside and hit the produce department……

With Z by my side we pick out some apples, some banana’s, and some super expensive grapes. Now normally, I would NOT pay $2.98 a pound for crappy looking grapes, but since they are Z’s favorite, I do it anyways. Then Z spots some strawberries…..

Z: “Strwaberry Momma! Stwaberries!”

Before I can stop her, Z grabs a handful of what she thinks are strawberries and literally throws them into the cart!

GREAT!  Now I have radishes everywhere!

Luckily the produce guy feels bad for me, grabs a bag and helps me collect all the loose radishes. He’s giggling, I’m steaming, and Z is crying because she really wanted those DAMN strawberries!

I calm her down and tell her we should go look for the real strawberries.

Me: “Z, over here! Look, those are real STRAWBERRIES!”

Z: “Oooh, stwaberries!”

I then notice and older lady approaching. Great! I can see it now! She’s going to tell me that I need to control my 2 year old, I just know it!

But instead, she leans in and says…..

Lady: “Is her name Z?”

Me: “Yes.”

Lady: “That’s so funny, my dogs name is Z.”

Me: “Wow, that is funny……………(awkward silence, don’t know what else to say.)

Now, she seems like a nice enough lady, and I’m NOT really offended, it’s just one of those moments that you want to say, “REALLY! Wow, I bet she’s a Pomeranian, or one of those other yappers, cause that’s what Z does all day long, yap yap yap yap, and then she pees on the floor, does your Z pee on the floor too?”

But I don’t, I put my filter back into place and we move on.

We finally get out to the parking lot, and that’s when I realize, I must’ve been in a hurry when I parked, cause I am totally line-hugging, if not over the line. The truck that parked next to me, must have wanted to teach me a lesson, because there is absolutely NO room for me to get in!

GREAT!

So after I load the groceries, in the passenger seat of course because there is NO room anywhere else, I then try to carefully climb over them, so as not to squish any of my super expensive grapes.

I finally get seated and look up to make sure nobody is watching. I check my rear-view mirror and see Z…..my sweet little Z, smiling from ear to ear, with snot dripping from her nose, eyes watering, and her little hands clapping……

“Good job Momma!” she says.

God I love this kid! Seriously, I should be crying right now, but I’m not, I’m laughing my ASS off, cause my kid just made my day, again……

Posted in Being a Mommy | Leave a comment

I realized something today……..Maybe, just maybe, I’m NOT ready for another baby….

For those of you that don’t know, I’m currently revisiting diaper land. A few weeks ago some close friends approached me and asked if I would watch their sweet little baby boy at least three days a week…..I know, crazy right……..somebody actually trusts me with their kid!

Anyways, I said yes, and now here we are, three weeks later…….I’m still alive……they are too……so that’s good! But I can’t help but wonder……HOW THE HELL DO OTHER MOMS DO THIS?

I can manage 8 to 5, but I can’t even imagine another one, let alone having both of them ALL NIGHT LONG!

How did my Mom do it? My sister and I are only a year and half apart.

How does my niece manage a day care with 5 little kids? SERIOUSLY! 5 KIDS!

How does my friend raise 3 little boys, all less than 2 years apart? That’s like double time, maybe even triple time in diaper land!

The answer is…..I DON’T KNOW!

This little boy, let’s call him Smiley, is only about 6 months old, and actually, he’s the easy one. He’s a breeze compared to my two year old. He can’t walk, so obviously no running and jumping, he can’t crawl, and since I’ve had him he’s only rolled over once. He doesn’t want to be held constantly, just zerbered every now and again. He eats, he sleeps, he poops, he even smiles when he wakes up. He’s happy, ALL THE TIME! Seriously, I don’t even mind revisiting diaper land.

Now my two year old on the other hand, won’t stand still. She runs, she jumps, she slams into things, she knocks things over, she torpedo’s the dogs, she throws things, she climbs on top of stuff, even if it’s not completely stable, she’s even been known to fly on occasion. She rarely eats, almost never sleeps, throws tantrums constantly, and when she smiles, it usually means that she’s just done something terrible, something that’s really going to tick me off!

In the beginning, like the first week, Z was pretty awesome! She played the BIG GIRL role perfectly. I even noticed an improvement with her potty training.  I actually thought I was on to something, and that maybe the saying, “two are easier than one”, was really true. But then, Z discovered something…….

When Mom has her hands full with Smiley, Z can get away with MURDER!

Go ahead Z, help yourself to another cookie, you know I can’t stop you because my hands are covered in poop!

Are you seriously coloring on the walls right now? Of course you are, because you know that in order for me to stop you I must first put down the almost asleep Smiley…..yep, not gonna happen.

Tasmanian Devil and Diaper LandYou want to go outside? Wait until Mom get’s done feeding Smiley, then I can help you put on your shoes…… Z, DO NOT go outside without your shoes…… Fine! Go AHEAD! Just know, that when I get done burping Smiley, you are in soooo much TROUBLE!

Seriously! How do you manage a stubborn, wild and crazy two year old when you have your hands full with a BABY?

I don’t know, maybe when she’s past the terrible two’s, or three’s, or whatever, I may have to re-evaluate things. But for now, I think I’ll stick to taming the Tasmanian Devil, and baby number two will have to wait just a little bit longer……

Posted in Being a Mommy | 1 Comment

Does anybody feel guilty about lying to their kids about the Easter Bunny? No? Okay good, cause I think it’s AWESOME!!

It’s like a FREE pass! You can lie to your kid and get away with it! Plus, it’s like the ultimate bribe!

“Z, if you’re NOT a good girl, I’ll tell the Easter Bunny, and he will NOT bring you an Easter basket.”

“You better pick up those toys, or I’m calling the Easter Bunny.”

“Don’t you dare Z, the Easter Bunny is watching……” (I know, totally creepy right?)

Holiday’s are like the BEST! Especially when there’s presents involved.

I’m going to be sad when Easter is over, cause then I’ll have to resort back to the same old crap. Time out’s, no TV, no cookie, you know the drill.

Now that I think of it….maybe there should be presents on all those other holidays too. You know, like St. Patrick’s Day, Labor Day, maybe even Columbus Day or Washington’s Birthday. Why not? Then I’d have the ultimate bribe all year round!

Leprechaun-2004“Hey Z, you better behave, or I’ll tell the little Leprechaun, and he won’t bring you a pot of gummy bears!”

“Hey Z, put down that golf club! If you hit that dog, I swear, I’m going to call Columbus, or Washington, or Martin Luther King Jr., whatever, just know that you’ll be SORRY!”

“You better be good Z, the Leprechaun is watching you……” (Oooooh that’s so MUCH creepier!)

Seriously, I think this could work for me…….

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Warning ImageWARNING: Content in this post may not be suitable for everyone, especially if you’re eating lunch, or thinking about eating lunch, or just ate lunch. It may trigger a gag reflex, or worse, you may lose your appetite, or your lunch. Consider yourself WARNED.

So today was a pretty good day! (Don’t worry, I’m leading up to the retched part)

It began with a mission to Kmart. I was accompanied by Z, of course, and my sidekick as always, Grandma. The mission was simple, Grandma would distract Z while I played the Easter Bunny and picked out a nice pre-made Easter basket, cause I’m lazy like that.

It went off without a hitch, aside from the fact that I had to wait in line for like, EVER! Apparently Kmart is hiring, if anybody is interested…..

So after we dropped Grandma off we headed back to the house. Z was extremely disappointed that Grandma wasn’t going to accompany us home, and by disappointed I mean, she was throwing a huge tantrum in the back seat. So, to calm her rampage I told her she could play outside for a little bit before nap-time, even though we were already 10 minutes behind schedule.

So we get home and decide to take a quick walk. Now, just so you all know, I am currently potty training Z. We have good days and bad days, and so far today has not been a very good day.

We ventured out into the back-back-yard, quite a ways from the house, then Z pipes up and tells me she has to go potty. I knew we wouldn’t make it back to the house, and I refused to have another accident, so I told her she could pee in the yard.

I whip down her pants, grab her little legs, and pick her up……She starts peeing……things are going well…….then I hear the plop…..GREAT! Now there’s a pile of kid crap in the middle of the backyard and I have nothing to wipe her with. So, I hoist her up, poopy butt and all, and beeline it for the house.

We get there, we wipe, then I grab a handful of toilet paper and rush back out into the yard, cause you can’t just leave kid crap lying around. So I find the spot……..what the HELL……where’s the poop……I swear it was right there!

Then my dog meanders over, looking guilty, licking her chops like she just enjoyed the most AMAZING meal EVER!

“Seriously dog, you ate kid crap!”

She just looks at me like, “Ya, why not?”

As I’m standing there, feeling ill, I recognize this sweet little voice behind me saying, “Poo-poo, Mya ATE MY POO-POO!” And like clockwork, the gagging begins…..not me, Z!

She is so distraught that Mya ate her poo-poo that she can’t even focus, or function! She just keeps gagging.

Me: “Oh honey, it’s okay, dogs do that from time to time.”

I thought that once I got her in the house, she’d forget about the dog eating her poo-poo, but I was sorely mistaken. Now, every time she even looks at the dog, she starts gagging again!

Poor kid! At first I thought the gagging thing was kind of funny, but now, I just feel bad for her. I hope she grows out of it, and I seriously hope that she forgets this incident, or Mya may need a new home…..just kidding!

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