Remember when you told me, “Sweetheart, when you have your own someday, you’ll understand”? Well I just wanted you to know, I think I get it now…..
There’s this pain deep inside my chest, and no matter what I do, it’s always there. Every time I look at Z, I feel like my heart is going to explode. Sometimes it’s a battle, just trying to catch my breath.
It’s not something you read about, it’s not even something you talk about, it just is. I remember after she was born, I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid that when I woke up, it would all be dream, and she wouldn’t be real. I still feel that way sometimes. Is that how you felt?
There were so many times I thought you hugged us maybe a little too long, or kissed us just a few too many times. I didn’t get it then. You must have felt it too, that squeeze in your heart, the fear that makes it impossible to let go.
It’s like a roller-coaster. Feeling so much love all at once, and the moment you realize your joy, the fear sets in……You can’t have one without the other, so it seems.
I remember the way you used to look at us, as we walked out the door, in fact you still do. It’s like letting your heart leave your body, and praying that it comes back in one piece. It’s gut wrenching….but it’s out of your control.
Nothing in life can prepare you for Motherhood. Yes…. it is full of joy, love, pride, and happiness, but it’s also full of pain, despair, and fear. It takes courage to be a Mother, to love with all your heart, even when there’s fear lurking in the shadows.
So I’m sorry if I looked at you like you were nuts, or patted your arm like you were a crazy person. I didn’t get it then, but I do now.
You and I…… we’re on the same page now Mom.