A Momma on A Mission

In lieu of Mothers Day, I really wanted to write something special. Kind of like a tribute to my Mom, but I’ll be honest, I’m having a hard time just getting started.

I think it’s because it’s so over-whelming. My Mom is an amazing lady, and to try and sum it all up in just a couple of paragraphs just doesn’t do her justice.

I’ve written and re-written this post about a half dozen times, and instead of just bragging about how AWESOME she is, which she is by the way, I’ve decided to give you a few examples.

My Mom is just one of those Moms……

The kind of Mom that you’re not embarrassed to be seen with, unless of course she’s driving a Toyota Station Wagon with a smashed up front end because Dad hit about a dozen deer with it. Don’t forget the scanoe tied to the top. At least Mom had the decency to drop us off a block from school so we didn’t have to get out in front of our peers.

She’s also the kind of Mom that has cooler clothes in her closet than you do. Seriously! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve raided her closet just before a party.

She’s the kind of Mom that you actually want to spend time with because she makes you laugh. No Girl’s Night, or shopping adventure would be complete without Mom.

She’s the kind of Mom that no matter what kind of day you’ve had, will always make you feel better. The kind that just gets you. The kind that steadies you when you’re about to fall, or picks you up when you’ve already fallen flat on your face. She’ll tell you what you need to hear, but she’ll also tell you what you want to hear, because she knows exactly what to say to make you feel better.

So, even though she always dressed my sister and I in matching clothes, and scarred us for life by telling us that our stuffed animals and toys had feelings, she’s still the most incredible Mom two girls could ever have.

Seriously though, our stuffed animals and our toys were ALIVE! Not like the creepy Chucky Doll or anything, it was exactly like TOY STORY! She liked to pretend that they had feelings, feelings that could easily be hurt. For example…….

Mom: “Don’t you want to sleep with froggy tonight? He’s so alone over there, all he wants to do is cuddle.”

Me: “But Mom, he’s creepy.”

Mom: “No he’s not! Look, you just hurt his feelings.”

Me: “Okay, come here froggy, I’m sorry.”

You see what I mean?

Now, my sister always joked that she was scarred because of it, and up until recently I thought she was nuts. But now I see it too. I tend to grow attached to insignificant objects in such a way that I have trouble separating myself from them.

For instance, in a couple of weeks we’re going to have a Garage Sale, so this last week or so I’ve been going through the house, trying to find something to sell. Every time I pick something up, it doesn’t matter what it is, a knick-knack, an old coffee mug, or an electric skillet that I have never used, I have flashbacks of the life we’ve shared together…..

“Oh skillet, I still remember the day we got you. You were wrapped up so pretty in all that wrapping paper. The perfect wedding gift, and although I never really used you, expect for that one time when we made pancakes together, you’re still special to me. Now it’s time for you to move on. There’s somebody out there….. waiting for you, I just know it, and I know they’ll use you. They won’t store you in the bottom of the pantry like I did for all those years.”

I know, kind of creepy right?

So, thanks Mom! Thanks for turning us into a couple of hoarder’s……..just kidding…….well kind of.

No but seriously, thank you Mom, for always being there, for always supporting us no matter what. I can’t imagine life without you. You’re my BEST Friend, my rock, my adviser, my everything, and I love you so much. You are my inspiration. I want to be just like you. I want Z to feel the same way about me that I feel about you.

I’m a MOMMA’s GIRL! And I’m proud of it!!!

Love you Mom, Happy Mother’s Day!

Okay, so my new favorite show is……….. Nanny 911.

I know it’s been on the air since like 2004, but I’ve only recently grown interested. I think it has something to do with the fact that I can now relate to some of these families. Although most of them have like 4 or 5 little demons running around, and I only have one.

I still remember the first time I saw the show way back before Z was born, I was terrified……

“Seriously, did that boy just spit in his Momma’s face!”, “OMG, how horrible, my kids will NEVER act like that!”

Little did I know that I too would spawn a demon of my own some day.

So what sparked my sudden curiosity?

No, this is not Z, in case you were wondering…..

The other day Z had a RAGER. I call them RAGERS, because a “fit” is just too tame of a word to describe it. It’s like Hurricane Z bearing down. All the air in the room gets sucked out, shit starts flying, and the noise level goes through the roof.

So anyways, I do what I usually do, hold her down until the worst of it passes. It’s like trying to contain a wild animal with sharp teeth and flying fists….it’s not pretty. While I’m sitting there, trying to maintain control, I start thinking…..

Is it really supposed to be this bad? What am I doing wrong? Why is she so angry?

I realize that Z has to learn how to control her emotions, and that it’s my job to teach her that control, but I’m not really sure how. I need help!

So, that got me thinking…… I wonder if I could find that show on Netflix, the one with the Nanny that goes around fixing peoples kids. Maybe that would help me.

So I found it, and immediately started watching it. I have to say, I’m impressed. It’s given me a whole new outlook on parenting.

One show in particular really got my attention. They had 5 boys, all with red hair. One set of 5 year old triplets, and one set of 3 year old twins! They lacked proper discipline, as Nanny would say. In other words, they were the spawns of Satan, even their hair was on FIRE!

When the kids acted up, Mom just yelled, and yelled, and yelled. She didn’t really do anything. There were no consequences. Only when things got completely out of control did Dad step in and start making threats ,”Get back in that bed, or I’m going to spank you.”

So, Nanny shows up, and the parents are like, “Seriously, you think you can fix this? Go right ahead!”. They had absolutely no faith what-so-ever!

And when I say that their kids were out of control, that’s an understatement. They beat on each other, constantly. There was so much anger flying around that house, Hurricane Z looked tame in comparison. The kids were angry, the parents were angry, I think even the dog was angry.

So what does Nanny do? She tells them, no more yelling, no more spanking, no more threats, and no more chances. Every action has a consequence. Use positive reinforcement verses spanking. The kids are angry because you are angry, and you’re doing a shitty job of hiding it.

Nanny, you are so right!

It’s funny, I could see it all too clearly watching from the outside looking in. But when you’re inside, it’s almost like your blind. How can I expect Z to control her emotions, when I can’t even control mine. I get so angry with her for not listening, I lose my temper, and then I yell, and I make threats.

Someone once told me, don’t make a threat unless you intend on keeping it. That same person also told me that once, while eating dinner, her daughter was acting up. Her husband told her daughter that if she continued to act like a baby he was going to take her bed away and make her sleep in a crib. Talk about a threat! Guess what he did? Yep, he took down her toddler bed, and put the crib back up. I don’t remember what happened after that, I think because I was too busy being impressed with the follow through, but I’m pretty sure it did the trick.

So that’s it! I’ve stopped yelling. I refuse to let my anger fuel her tantrums, and when I get to three, that’s it! No more chances. I don’t make threats anymore, I only make promises, and there is a consequence for every action.

It’s been about a week since I made this vow, and things are going well. Since I’ve reined in my anger, Hurricane Z hasn’t had any RAGERS, only small “Thunder Storm” tantrums. I personally consider that a HUGE success.

There’s no manual for parenting. Every kid is different, and as much as I wish that Z came with a manual, one with pictures so that my husband could read it too, it’s okay, cause I’ll eventually figure her out. Even if it is on her 18th birthday……..

Okay, so it’s been like a week since I posted anything. I guess I’ve been a little preoccupied.

On Tuesday, or maybe it was Wednesday, my husband informed me that we were going camping for the ENTIRE weekend. He even took Friday off so that we would have three WHOLE days in the woods together!

Now, BZ (before Z), my husband and I spent more time in the woods than we did at home. November, December, February, or August, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that we had a warm fire, a dry place to sleep, plenty of good food, our fishing poles, mountain bikes, beer, a good book or two, and more beer.

Skip forward to present day, and it would be an understatement to say that things have changed.

I still love it, but it’s just not the same. Camping with Z is……….. interesting, to say the least.

Gone are the days of relaxing around the campfire and reading an entire book, or fishing for hours just for fun, or hitting the trail with our mountain bikes in search of the best lines.

It’s just different now, not bad, but different.

We’ve taken Z camping before, so at least I knew what to expect.

On Wednesday Dad loaded the camper, so of course, Z could barely control herself. She was absolutely beside herself with anticipation and excitement. “Go camping Momma, GO CAMPING!”

“Yes Baby, we’re going camping, but not for another two days.”

“GO CAMPING MOMMA! GO CAMPING!”

It didn’t take long for us to realize what a HUGE mistake we had just made.

NOTE TO SELF: Do not load the camper two days early! Save yourself the pain of listening to her scream for two days straight, and do it at the last possible minute!

Friday morning FINALLY came, and we headed out of town.

I was looking forward to it, and not just because I wanted the screaming to stop, but because I figured, she’s almost three now it should be easier than last year………..please God, let it be easier than last year.

Last year wasn’t horrible, but it was bad enough that I wasn’t eager to do it all over again. We only went camping three or four times if that, and every time was exhausting. She’d be so excited to go, then we’d get there, she’d wander around, play with all her toys, get bored, and want to go home, all within the first hour.

I decided that this year would be different!

The plan was to keep her so busy that she wouldn’t even think about home.

It also helped knowing that our friends would be joining us later with their two little kids. Although both kids were older than Z, I hoped that she would still have fun following them around, doing big kid stuff.

So we get there, make camp, and settle in. Z happily races around camp like a little tornado, destroying everything in her path. She plays with her toys, she blows some bubbles, she explores the camper, she follows the dogs around for a bit, gags when Mya (the dog) takes a crap, insists on burying it with her little shovel, and then gags again when she gets poop on it.

Things are going well, and she really seems to be enjoying herself. Then she informs me that it’s time to go for a walk. GREAT IDEA! Let’s go for walk….

What was supposed to be a nice relaxing stroll along the river bank, turned into 15 minutes of SHEER TERROR!

Z’s brakes don’t work so well, in fact, I’m not sure if they work at all. The banks of the river were super steep, and every time I looked down I visualized her tumbling down to the bottom, and splashing into the rushing water below….SHEER TERROR!

All she wanted to do was through rocks in the water, but every time she got close to the edge I would yank her back. Then she’d get pissed, pull away, and RUN!

So there I was chasing her down the river bank, screaming for her to stop, all the while she’s giggling, thinking she’s just discovered the world’s greatest game. Like I said, SHEER TERROR!

NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT take walks by the RIVER!

Meanwhile, back at camp, my husband has taken it upon himself to ensure that we have a very private camping experience. In other words, no immediate neighbors!

When I saw the unfamiliar truck and camper pull up, I knew exactly what he was doing. He began what can only be described as, make like the most annoying camp neighbor EVER!

We heard gun shots, one right after another. First the .22, then something bigger. Then I heard the dirt bike fire up, and then the 4 wheeler.

It only took about 10 minutes, then the unfamiliar truck and camper pulled back out on to the main road and disappeared in a matter of seconds!

I know, I know, it was rotten, but I have to admit, he played that one well.

When we finally returned to camp, the hot dogs were on. After we ate, Z helped Daddy organize the rocks around the campfire, then she helped him stack the firewood. It was AWESOME! I was actually relaxing!

Then I noticed that Z was having trouble walking, which was a sure sign that nap time was upon us. So I quickly prepared her bed. Normally, I would’ve brought the Pack N’ Play, barricaded her inside, and then hid outside until the screaming stopped, but this year we decided to take our chances and have her sleep in a big girl bed. Needless to say, I was a tad bit nervous.

Luckily, it went well, fabulous in fact. She actually stayed in bed and slept for 2 full hours. AMAZING!!

That night the rest of our party showed up, including the two little kids. Z loved it! They played and played for the rest of the evening. When bedtime came, Z was so exhausted she barely made it through a book.

The next morning she woke up promptly at 6:30 am. Not too long after Z and I stepped outside, the other two kids joined us.

Unsure of how to entertain them all, I decided to keep them busy with small tasks. The first, was to fill in a few small holes around camp, one in particular that made me trip the night before while rushing into the woods for a pee break.

We began using our shovels to carry dirt from one spot to the next, that’s when Z spotted a worm.  ”Look at this!” she said. She was so excited, and so were the other kids. So I decided to abandon our “hole filling” task and move on to something a bit more exciting, a WORM HUNT!

Sure enough, this task kept all three of them busy for at least 2 hours. It became a competition, who could find the most worms, and then, who could find the biggest worms. It was awesome! By the time the rest of the grown-ups joined us, I had finished almost an entire pot of coffee all by myself, the fire was burning hot, and all three kids were covered in mud from their heads to their feet. A mighty fine morning if you ask me.

NOTE TO SELF: I may not mind if my kid is covered in mud, but other parents do, especially if it’s before they’ve even had their first cup of coffee. Oops, my BAD!

Later on that afternoon, Z and I decided to go for another walk, in the opposite direction of the river of course. My husband had mentioned something about a very tame creek just around the corner. I thought it might be fun to tie some strings on to a couple small plastic boats and watch them float down the creek. Z thought it was a great idea! She’d seen Curious George do it a hundred times!

So, off we went. When we got there, I noticed that the creek was not quite as tame as I had imagined it would be. It wasn’t the depth that was the problem, but the current. It seemed to zip along pretty quick, but nevertheless we decided to toss a boat in and see how it went……..BIG MISTAKE!!!

As soon as the boat hit the current, the little string ripped completely off!

So while I’m flailing around, trying to catch the stupid $2 dollar boat, Z is screaming, “MY BOAT, MY BOAT!”

Me: “STAY THERE Z, I’LL GET IT!”

Z:  “MY BOAT, MY BOAT!!!!!”

Sure enough, in a complete panic, she launches herself off the bank, trying to catch her boat! Now she’s soaked, and covered in mud, and the stupid boat is still zipping down the creek.

I pull her out, make sure she’s okay, and take off running after the boat. The creek splits, I’m on the left side, the boat goes right, of course! So I take a running leap to cross the creek.

You know that saying, “white girls can’t jump”, well it’s true. I landed smack dab in the middle of the creek! When I tried to climb up the other side I lost my footing and slipped in the mud!

Great! Now I’m soaked and covered in mud too, I’ve lost sight of the stupid boat, and the kid is screaming bloody murder. Great idea MOM!

That’s when I realize, there’s a small damn at the end of the creek. Nothing could get past it, not even a small plastic boat. Sure enough, there it is, stacked up against the branches.

See, now that’s where better observational skills would’ve come in handy. Had I noticed the stupid damn, I would have handled the whole situation incredibly different. Z wouldn’t be soaked and covered in mud, and neither would I.

NOTE TO SELF: Work on my observational skills, get stronger string, and buy more boats, just in case.

On the plus side, once we got back to camp, changed and got cleaned up, we headed back over. This time the other kids came with us. Once Z and I realized that we wouldn’t actually lose the boats, it was an absolute blast. Even the grown-ups joined us. It was AWESOME!!

So, despite the fact that it rained off and on the entire weekend, and we woke up to snow Sunday morning, I’d say it was a BIG SUCCESS! Z had a blast, and I did too, which of course was a huge relief for Dad. I even felt more relaxed when we got home, another bonus.

NOTE TO SELF: Next time, I’ll pay more attention to the stupid weather lady!

You remember that movie “UP”? The Pixar animated movie with the old guy and the fat kid? They fly away in the old guy’s house, with the balloons? Do you remember Doug? He’s the talking dog that they meet when they finally land.

Here’s a clip for those of you that can’t remember……

SQUIRREL!!

Okay, so now that we’re all on the same page, I can continue.

My daughter had a Doug day yesterday. It was exhausting, and entertaining all at the same time.

Let me set the scene….

I’m sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for Z to come hither.

Me: “Hey Z, you want to go outside?”

Z: “YES!”

Me: “Okay, go get your shoes.”

Z: “OKAY!”

Off she goes, skipping towards the back door to fetch her shoes…….

(One minute later)

Z: “Looook Momma!”

She rounds the corner of the couch with the dog toy…..

Z: “Kassy’s toy!”

Me: “That’s nice Z, but I thought you wanted to go outside.”

Z: “OH YA!”

Me: “Go get your shoes then.”

Off she goes, skipping towards the back door, once again……..

(Two, maybe three minutes later)

Z: “Momma! Where are yooooou?”

Me: “I’m on the couch Z, waiting for you to get your shoes.”

Z: “OH! SHOES!”

Off she goes again…….

Three minutes later she comes back with a bowl of fish crackers…….

Z: “Mmmmm yummy.”

Me: “I thought you wanted to go outside Z?”

Z: “OH! Outside! Ready to go outside, pleassee!”

Me: “You HAVE to get your shoes first, remember?”

Z: “OH YES!”

Off she goes again.  This time I watch her, and I can actually see the train derail. This has GOT to be what she’s thinking……..

“Shoes, shoes, shoes, gotta get my shoes to go outside, shoes, shoes, shoes, I really love outside, outside is the BEST, gotta get my shoes to GO outside………. TOY! OMG it’s a TOY! I haven’t seen that TOY in like FOREVER!! What does it do again, oh that’s right, it BOUNCES! YAAAA the TOY bounces!!! I have to show Momma my TOY!!!”

Z: “Momma, loook!”

Me: “Wow Z, is that your ball?”

Z: “YES! Watch Momma!”

Me: “That’s cool Z, it bounces!”

My husband is a ROCK STAR….not like Bon Jovi or anything, in fact, he can’t really sing, or play the guitar…..let’s just say he’s not musical what-so-ever!

So why call him a ROCK STAR? Because, it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen him live, or in action, every time is like the first time, and every single time he blows me away.

For those of you that don’t know my husband, let me give you a quick description.

He’s a Jack of all trades. He can do ANYTHING, fix ANYTHING, drive ANYTHING, ride ANYTHING, work ANYTHING, build ANYTHING….. get the point?

He’s also intense, kind of crazy, unpredictable, and almost too outgoing. He has a tendency to scare people off, come on too strong, and say the wrong things. He has NO FILTER! He tells it like it is, he loves to make people laugh, but he also loves to terrify them.

He’s a jokester, the class clown, the guy that everybody invites to a party because he’s so damn entertaining.

He’s comfortable with who he is, proud of it even. He’ll go out of his way to make you feel comfortable too, even when you’re totally NOT. He’s just like that!

Three years ago when our daughter was born we had a plan. After my leave was up I’d go back to work, and she’d go to daycare. When the time came I PANICKED!  I couldn’t do it, didn’t want to do it.

So I quit my job and started delivering newspapers 7 days a week. It was a NIGHTMARE! I did it for about three months, and that’s when my husband said, “ENOUGH”.

Z was an extremely fussy baby, and she kept me up most nights. That, combined with my funky work schedule, turned me into a sleep deprived Zombie. I could barely function.

So, my husband took on more work. There were times when he was working three, sometimes four jobs just to make ends meet. He DID what needed to be DONE! That’s just WHO he is.

Where am I going with all this? Well, the other day he said to me, “I should’ve been a rally car driver”…… My first thought was, ya, well I should’ve been Britney Spears.

But the truth is, he could’ve been a rally car driver, he’s that good! He could’ve been a lot of things, cause he’s remarkably talented, but instead, he’s MR. F from Montana. He works a full time job, and short of selling himself on the street corner, which I think he might be open to, he’ll do just about anything for extra money…..

Including fixing other peoples junk………in our shed……….cause we don’t actually own a garage. I’ve literally seen this man lying down under a truck, in the driveway, cause it’s too damn big to fit in our tiny ass shed, in the middle of DECEMBER, covered in snow, wrench in hand, working is ASS off to make a couple extra bucks! He’s determined……So much so that it actually brings tears to my eyes.

He’s not just THAT guy, the guy that never became a rally car driver cause he couldn’t afford it, or cause he couldn’t get sponsors, or didn’t know the right people. He’s so much more than that.

He’s a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and an uncle. He’s the jackass next door that woke you up at 6 in the morning with his air compressor. He’s the guy at the convenience store that actually held the door for you instead of slamming it in your face. He’s the guy that stopped on the side of the road, in a blizzard, just to see if you were okay. He’s the guy at the Park that handed you back your wallet when you didn’t even realize it was missing. He’s also that guy that flipped you off this morning when you cut him off!

He’s not perfect, but he’s pretty damn close in my book!

Where did all this all come from? I’ll tell you……

The other morning after my husband left for work, Z and I decided to venture outside for a little fresh air. This is what we found…….

Need I say more?

I’m a lucky woman. I have an amazing husband who just happens to be an amazing father. What more could I ask for?

P.S. Just so you know, I never really wanted to be Britney Spears……in case you were wondering……..